best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
