you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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