Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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