if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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