The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
