You work out of a Hotel?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
