I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
