My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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