everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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