And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
