Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
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Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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