So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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