OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
