I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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