How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
