She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
