Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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