I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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