Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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