I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
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Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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