Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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