I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
