I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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