Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
