I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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