I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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