you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."