I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.