I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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