That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
