You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
