I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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