yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
