I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
