maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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