Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
