i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
