my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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