last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
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I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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