i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
