in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
