peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
