im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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