did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
