I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
where does the pee come out of this thing
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize