They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
