You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
