she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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