I heard we made out
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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