This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
