I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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