I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
