My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
