walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
