im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
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You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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