Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
